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Less Mock Neck

Less Mock Neck
What do you think about my writing? Can i have you opinion?

What do you think of it?
Does it keep you wanting to read or does it drag on?
If you like it tell me why…if not tell me why also please.
And besides the grammar and all the good stuff do you think i need to make any changes?
also can you feel what the characters feel or somewhat of what they feel?
can you imagine them in your head or not?
thx if you answer i really appreciate it!!!
If you want to help me on giving me criticism on it to help me better it and if you want to read more as i write please email me at garcia_ana2793@yahoo.com

heres the story

1.Goodbye Love
“Hi, Brit what did you need me for?”

I asked Brigette as I walked into the living room. She sat very still in the couch her sky blue eyes filled with tears.

She looked at me apologetically. She still was in her pajamas at seven p.m. kind of odd for her to be like that.. Her chocolate colored hair was up on a ponytail. Looked like she hadn’t gone out the whole day. She kept her eyes fixated on me. Silence filled the room grew and uncomfortable.

“Is everything okay? You feel okay?” I asked.

She patted the seat next to her in the couch, signaling me to go sit next to her. I did as she wanted and went to sit next to her. I loved her with all my heart and something told me she wasn’t alright. I put her head between my hands forcing her to meet my eyes.

“Baby what’s wrong?” I asked once again much more concerned.

She broke out in tears I pulled her into my chest. Seconds later she pulled herself together. And finally spoke.

“Aron?” She said trying to not meet my worried eyes.

“Aron…I don’t want to hurt you but—“

She paused and got up from the sofa.. Something told me that she didn’t want to tell me something good.

She sighed.

“Aron— I don’t love you. I think it would be best if you and I went our separate ways.”

She turned around to face me. Her eyes filled with sadness and something else anger, maybe.

“I don’t” she paused. “I…I don’t love you as much I much did.”

Her words burnt a hole in my chest. She didn’t want to hurt me but she still managed to do so.

“No! Why are you joking around like this?” I asked her.

Immediately my heart and mind went into denial to what she had just told me.

No she can’t stop loving me…She promised me she would always love me no matter what. What happened to that promised? I told myself.

I began to shake my head. My heart stopped for a second.

“Please don’t do this to me. We can work it out.”

I said as if any compromise could be possible.

She bursted out into tears pleading for my forgiveness. My heart was in denial this just couldn’t be true. This was a nightmare that should soon end. I shut my eyes to try to weak up. I opened them and there I still was in her living room. Brigette was the woman of my dreams, my soul mate… the one person I’d do anything for.

She pleaded me to forgive her.

But why? She didn’t do anything wrong. Her heart betrayed her. It was something she couldn’t control. But as much as I told myself that she had no control over her feelings towards me that it was all her heart, I could still feel the pain more alive than ever. Her heart no longer longing for me hurt unlike any other pain I have ever experienced. It was the pain of love, something new I thought I would never feel.

“But—”

I hurried to find the right words. But none came to mind. This pain was to strong for me to bear with. My heart entered into a battle with my mind.

My heart kept telling my mind

“No. It’s not true nothing she is saying is true.”

“But her words were so profound. They just couldn’t be fake” my mind responded.

I didn’t want to leave her if I did life would be as if living it in hell. Her wide sky blue eyes looked at me filled with tears and once again pleaded for forgiveness. I entered into a state of shock. I had found my one true love and now to find out that I wasn’t her true love. She looked at me with tears coming out one after another. I looked down to the floor. She walked towards me. She reached up and now held my face between her smooth soft hands making me, no forcing me to look her in the eyes. Silence filled the room, only our fast breathing could be heard.

I couldn’t speak.

“Will you please say something?! Say something—-Anything!”

She said with tears coming out again.

She breathed in.

“Tell me you hate me! Just speak…please”

Why would she want my lips to move with words of regret?

I looked into her eyes there was no doubt she felt atrocious for hurting me like this. She very well knew that she had become that reason of my existence. I tried to pull away from her hands, but she held my face there with all her strength.

“Aron speak please!” she spoke again.

Her voice with fear.

I didn’t know what to say. What could I say? Don’t worry I understand you…No! I didn’t understand her.

I sighed, and decided to speak to her.

“What is there to say? What do I say?”

Alleviation came to her at the listen of my voice.

She shrugged at my question..

She wanted to her that I would accept this with the passing of time. I couldn’t lie to her—I couldn’t lie to myself. My heart ached greatly a pain I had never known until now. It felt as if she were pouring salt into my wounded heart by wanting to hear a lie just to cover up the reality of things. I didn’t know what to say I could only concentrate on the pain that was inside me. She dropped her hands to her side and walked to the window.. The phrase “you will be the death of me” came to mind although I don’t know why my mind wondered away at a time like this.

“Brigette?” I called for her.

“Yes, Aron?” her eyes still looking out the window.

“What do you want me to say?” I breathed in. “You want me to tell you not to worry that eventually I’ll get over it?” I asked.

“Yes…” she whispered softly.

I didn’t know what to tell her now. That was what she wanted to hear from me…a lie. She turned around but never looked at me..

“Aron. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for causing you this pain. I’m sorry for the pain I have put over you. I knew this wouldn’t be easy but I had to speak up before things went to far and the pain was bigger than what it is now. But you—”

She hesitated. Pain bigger than this existed? I asked myself.

I wanted to run into her arms. But I couldn’t allow myself to think how wonderful her arms would feel. Besides the pain I felt something else hate and resentment— something I didn’t expect to ever be grown towards Brigette.

“I what?” I asked.

Her tears quickly became sobs.

“I—I…care about you.” She got the words out with a lot of effort.

She took a deep breath and went on.

“You mean so much to me. You where there twenty-four seven when my parents died.You’ve been with me since the tenth grade helping me get through it. It isn’t fair for me to just come and break a noble, gentle, loving heart like yours.”

She closed her eyes shut so she couldn’t see the pain being afflicted in me.

“I care about you a lot but it isn’t the same way as it used to be when we were fifteen. Many things have changed since then”—she sighed—“I’ve changed Aron.”

Tears came out of her eyes, some escaped mine also.

I tried hard to grasp each and every single word she spoke. I tried to understand where in the three years since we were fifteen something or someone changed.

I walked to the window. A storm was coming on its way. Lightning filled the room and thunder ended the silence in the room.

“All that you did for me changed the way I looked at you but I didn’t want to see it. But it was all so hazy that I couldn’t understand what my feelings were for you. Soon you changed into a brother figure to me…family”

She smiled at the thought of family.

Then again the room was filled with silence. I tried my best to not concentrate on the pain that she had just put over me.I decided to speak.

“Brigette I think it’s time for me to go—

“And I will never regret helping you through the tough times but I do wish you had told me when the way you looked at me changed. So I wouldn’t have made plans of you and I together.”

I fought hard to restrain my tears, she quickly turned around to face me.

“Aron don’t go please! I don’t want us to end like this. This isn’t how I wanted it to be. And you can’t go your cars at the mechanics and it will soon rain.”

She said.

Like that would stop me from trying to leave. She looked for any excuse so that we could end the right way to talk it out, but I could no longer bear to look at the woman I loved and still love with all my heart and know she doesn’t love me back the way I thought she did.

“All has been said, That’s the least of the problems. It’s best if I go..”

I walked to the door where so many times I had come in. It hurt to know that this was the last time I would walk through it. She fallowed behind me crying her eyes out. She put her hands over her heart shaped face to conceal the scream that she wished to let out..

I hesitated on the door and looked at her for a minute.

“You can hate me for everything I never did for you” she said.

“Goodbye my love.” I said and that would be the last thing I would ever say to her I thought.”I could never hate you”

“Never.” I whispered back to her.

As I began to distance myself from her home I began to agree with her I didn’t want it to end like this in fact I didn’t want it to end ever. But fate had decided differently. I soon felt alone she was the girl I had been waiting for only to find out I wasn’t the guy she awaited for. I remembered her kisses. Her soft and sweet lips. Tears came to my eyes at the thought that I would never be able to have her in my arms. I walked and walked without a destination not that I even cared where I went. I thought this was a nightmare that soon I would have to weak up from. But it was reality, and reality hit hard. I tried hard to block out thoughts of her so I wouldn’t lose control or my head.

My heart ached I had never experienced this pain.I was only eighteen yet I knew that Brigette was the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The thunder grew louder and lightning became more consistent. I walked to the woods not caring at all what time it was, I don’t think I even remember my own home. The anguish was bigger than what I would have ever imagined. As much as I tried to prohibit my heart from building anger it still did so.

Rain drops began to fall from the skies above to my head and body. I walked in the woods not caring if I got home. I didn’t pay attention to were I was going I just wanted to disappear from the phase of the earth… to never be seen again. The rain became heavier and soon my whole body was soaking wet. Although it was pretty cold outside I didn’t feel it. The pain didn’t let me feel anything else. The pain eased after a while. I became aware of my surroundings. I had walked in the woods for over two hours it was now midnight.

2.Coven

As I walked farther into the woods I felt as if I were being watched. I should have worried but I didn’t. Later I felt followed, quickly I turned around to look behind me but I could not see anyone and it was pitch black only the lighting brighten the path but afterwards leaving me blind.

I turned back around.

I gasped at the surprised to find the most stunning woman standing in front of me. Hey skin was pale but perfect no flaws.. Her eyes dark almost black but I wasn’t sure if that was just me.. She spoke to me.

“Who are you?”

Her voice was so sweet, astonishing, like a melody. Unlike any other voice I’ve ever heard. She ran her fingers from my ear, to my jaw, to my lips. She traced my lips and finally she put her fingers under my chin and tilted my head back. She kept her fingers there her touch was cold almost as ice but soft. Couple seconds later she dropped her hand back to her side. Something told me this was no average girl. Something told me to make a run from her but another didn’t want to stop looking at her breath taking beauty. Her hazel colored hair didn’t seem to be affected by the rain. She stood silent and still awaiting my answer.

I breathed in her sweet sent, an aroma you’d associate with an expensive perfume. I think her sent topped any expensive perfume out there.

“I’m Aron, and you?”

It seemed like a silly thing to ask someone this astounding but it was all I could come up with. Her captivating beauty was truly blinding. She looked at me and tilted her head to the left then right. Meanwhile I had the chance to look at the rest of her. Her body was just as perfect as her face. She put any Milan model to shame.

She wore dark colored skinny jeans, with black leather four inch boots that reached her knee. She wore the boots over the jeans. Her top was a black cami. What intrigued me was that she wore a black cape over her. Its length was all the way to the bottom of her heel almost touching the ground. The cape hugged each of her curbs.

“My name is Ella.”

She smiled revealing perfectly aligned white teeth.

“Your heart. It’s filled with pain.” Said Ella while putting her hand in my chest where my heart is.

“How did you know?” I asked amazed.

“The look in your eyes. the slow beating of your heart.”

I smiled and looked at her hand that was placed on my chest.

“Wow! You’re good.”

“Aron come with me.” she added quickly.”I can take all the pain away. Turn you into someone more powerful with abilities unlike anyone else.”

I looked at her completely oblivious to what she meant.

“Okay take the pain away then.” I said.

Part of me didn’t believe in a single word she spoke but another knew she could that she could be capable of so much more.She smiled at me.

Suddenly she began to lean close to me as if she were going to kiss me. But she began leaning in closer and closer until her lips touched my neck. She kissed me once and leaned back a couple inches.

“Join me in the death of your soul and the birth of a new soul” She said.

Still I was unaware of what she was speaking about I took it all as a joke. Then again her cold soft lips touched my neck, next thing I knew she had sunken her teeth in to me. It felt as the life was being sucked away from me, it felt good as if my worries were being taken away from me. Only until after she moved back I realized what she was. She grabbed my hand and said

“Time for you to join the coven.”

I was scared of what had just happened. Pain began to fill my body I groaned and she held on to me with more force so I wouldn’t fall.

“You’re…You…Are— A—Vampire!” I said through the pain.

She smiled at me.

“I told you a new soul would be born.”

A vampire? No I’m asleep it explains the break up, the womans beauty, the vampire woman I told myself. The pain became stronger it felt excruciating yet very good because all the memories of my life just seem to be disappearing one by one. All the things and people I had ever known became hazy. Only her memory still remained as if it were tattooed to my brain. I closed my eyes and win blew against my face I opened my eyes only to see I was surrounded by nothing but blackness. I turn to look for Ella and she stood beside me calm and holding my arm her shoulder length hair blew back so gracefully . I looked around I couldn’t see anything I could only feel the wind in my face. I turned around and around to see what was happening. I began to see streaks of light. Only then did I realize we were traveling at the speed of light yet we still stood in place. I could see the trees well their blur..

“Ella what’s going on? What did you do to me? Ella!” I asked fearfully.

“Shh…” She said putting her index finger on my lips.”Calm down… Everything will be okay and very soon you will get all the answers to your questions. But first you must begin your commencement.”

Everything around us suddenly stopped moving and we were in what looked like castle we were no longer outside. I realized that we had been “transported” to this castle. We began to walk in a long corridor. Candles filled the corridor with light. The pain became afflictive and filled my body. The hall ended at what looked like a ballroom. A circle of men with the same cape asElla’s gathered in the center of the room.

“Ahh.. Aron welcome to our coven.”

Said a man in the center extending his arms as if he were going to give me a hug.

3.Initiation

Ella had already taken her place in the circle of people that now surrounded me.
“Coven?” I asked feeling my eyes brows pull together in confusion.
The man in the center nodded. He seemed a bit irritated my my confusion but ecstatic to have me there finally like he had been awaiting this for so long.
“Yes, and you’re our last member….the chosen member…to make us an official coven” He said taking slow steps towards me.
The man was pretty tall and had pale skin. He looked no more than an average guy…well his size I mean. I turned around looking at every single person all of them had the perfect pale skin and the piercing black eyes that Ella had. All had their each captivating beauty. All were men and Ella looked like the only woman in the “coven”.
“Ella you said you’d help me—Where did you bring me to?” I asked turning around to face Ella although she never met my gaze..
“Soon it will all be over.” She said.
All bowed their head down to the man in the center with me. He must be their leader because why else would these people we bowing down to them and why else would he have greeted me…him in specifically. His eyes were locked on me watching my breathing and my movements. He quickly reached up and pulled my left eye lid up and looked at my eyes. He then grabbed my arm aggressively and looked at my skin, he let my arms drop to my side.Finally he had placed his hand in the collar of my blue t-shirt. Then he pulled with what looked like little force ripping my shirt in half.
I gasped in surprised.
Then I looked down to inspect the damage he had done to my surprise I had muscles. I was an average size guy that rarely went to the gym. I know had abs and triceps all to perfection. I also noticed that my skin had gone from a sandy brown to a pale cream color almost white but not quite at the same time.
“The transformation is almost complete.” he said pointing at my new body “we must begin at once!”
“Welcome, Aron”
All the voices said at once. I flinch at their voices they were like symphonies. I quickly began to feel cross with Ella she said she’d help me but all she did was put me in the center of these weird people. Although I think they were hoping for me to be furious, that was not to hard to realize. They wanted me to be frustrated with everything and everyone in this dull life of mine. They were getting their way very quickly. But still after everything that was going on I still had no idea where I was or what was happening that is what made me less patient with these people.
“My name is Demitrius” the man in the center said pointing to himself.”And it is time for you to learn the covens rule if you will be joining us, and of course begin your initiation-”
Rules?Coven? what type of people were they. Was this some type of joke that someone decided to play on me in a very very bad time of my life.
“What?” I asked in a whisper trying to get my thoughts to work with were I was and what was happening at the moments. That didn’t go so well I just confused myself, and I knew that I had to keep all my senses keen if I was going to be around these people.
“Rule number one–” Demirius said walking towards me.”Never expose out kind, in other word never betray your family–meaning us–” He said with a grin in his face. Oh, how I wish I can just wipe that grin off his face with a good punch to his mouth. He walked towards me much more quickly, he didn’t seem the type of guy that was that strong so I had no I idea that he would hurt me that bad. Then all of a sudden he had kicked me in my stomach. I flew about ten feet into the air from his hit and slammed into the wall from the other side of the room. Pain began to spread through my body but it wasn’t the pain I had expected it was a dull pain.
Let’s teach him rule number two shall we… a voice said in my head. It sounded exactly like Demitrius so I looked at him and he had not moved his lips at all. But I didn’t take that voice for granted I knew he would hit me again and with no hope of escaping even to the opposite side of the room I shut my eyes closed. I wished I could have been in the other side of the room, at least I could get far away from him.
I heard him charge towards me, seconds later I was expecting for him to have hit me unless he already had. I sucked in a deep breath and opened my eyes and I was standing in the opposite side of the room where I wish.
a “Wow” escaped from me at the surprise. Demitrius had just realized I wasn’t there he laughed. In the back of my head I was surprised but still wondered what that voice in the back of my head was and why did it sound so much like Demitrius.
“I see you think fast.”
Demitrius said interrupting my inside conversation.
“Now let me tell you rule number two” he said.
I blinked and when I opened my eyes he was no longer there. Then our of no nowhere he appeared next to me. If I wasn’t going mad I’d say he had just “teleported” to my side.
I grinned at the thought. That just couldn’t be possible. I seeing things. I told myself. Unexpectedly he grabbed me by my wrist and threw me to a corner with a lot of force. I hit the wall but this time as I got up with absolutely no pain. Bricks fell to the floor as I stood up. I turned around to inspect the wall behind me. Exactly where my body had smashed into the wall, the figure of my body had been formed as if it were play-doo.
I was speechless any normal person would be unconscience or maybe even dead, But I was perfectly fine better than ever. With no doubt I knew that Ella had done something to me, that I no longer was an average human. Or just maybe I just wasn’t human—at all—anymore.
“And that’s the best you got.?” I asked although that wasn’t planning on saying–actually I wasn’t even planning on speaking for many reasons.
Demitrius grimance.
“Rule number two…”–Never have any interaction with any human being.
There again I heard the voice–Demitius voice, but he hadn’t moved his lips at all.
“Let me guess it for my sake, Never have any interaction with any human beings…” I said.
Again something I wasn’t planning to say because I didn’t have enough courage to do so. But still a different part of me had all the courage in the world or just didn’t fear these people.
“How did you?” Demitrius asked baffled.
I chuckled at his perplexity. He was surprise that I knew the rules even though an hour ago I was human and had no idea of the existence of this species—of these vampires.
“Power of mind Demitrius.” I said and smiled at him.
I’m absolutely sure that was not me speaking. There was someone else growing inside of me.
“Join me in the death of you soul and birth a new soul.” I remembered Ella’s words that she had spoken to me in the wood earlier today. So my soul, the person I had been for eighteen years was quickly leaving and just leaving this body for a new soul with hate and ability to do anything to get what he wanted was filling it.
“NO! I can’t let you take over me! NO! I won’t let you change me…Never!” I said yelling inside my mind expecting for no answer.
“You must go. This world is no longer for you. You said you’d never hate but you hate and that just helps me get stronger and stronger so I can take over you.” A voice said answering me.
I flinched once I heard it. But what made me scare wasn’t the fact that something internally was answering my thoughts. It was the fact that it was my own voice yet it was stronger…a voice filled with hate and despair.
‘NO!” I yelled although I said this out loud I still didn’t mind for every single one to hear me.
All of the people looked at me confused as to why I was yelling instead of running. Something told me that, that was the reaction they were hoping for. But why even run when they will find me no matter where I go. Plus the chances of me being able to runaway from then were almost zero to one-hundred.
“LEAVE!” The furious voice growled.
I jumped at the tone it had. But it was my voice, yet not mine either. It was a different person than me that wanted to take over me. Quickly I began to feel that this was a lost war. No matter what I did I couldn’t change that fact that, that voice—the new soul, would take over me, and I would be long gone.
“Aron, let your new soul be born,” Demitrius said with a mocking smile.
“No! I won’t let you change me” I yelled at him, but my voice betrayed me by cracking.
“You can’t evade the inevitable…”
“What gives you the power to just take my life away?”
I wasn’t hoping him to answer me. But he still did and his answer caught me off guard.
“Because you are filled with anger—no with hate— so why watch you take it out on others when you can join us. Gain powers that you would have never imagined in your human life…and help us gain control of the multiples of our species. To take you hate out on humans—” He seemed to be talking to himself instead of answering my question. I’m pretty sure he was trying to justify himself for what he was now doing, but with a guy like Demitrius I couldn’t be sure. I was usually a good observer in peoples actions and their reasons behind them. But Demitrius was no human for sure and his actions were incomprehensible.

Wow.
Okay. People are going to compare this to Twilight simply because of the vampire thing.
But, I have to disagree. In just a few chapters, you’ve made me like Aron way more than I ever did Bella.
Your grammar is a bit off, but it’s not horrible. So, it’s tolerable. And, a few of the wordings might need to be slightly altered, but nothing major.
And also, I adore stories that start off with dialogue. I see nothing wrong with it. I also don’t think that it was choppy. Sorry to disagree with the person above me, but that’s the way I see it.
I completely understand why she’s crying over breaking up with him. I went through a similar situation. Even though she’s leaving him, she still loves him. Just not in romantic way. I completely understand that.
I think you should continue to write this story. It really intrigues me and when you get it finished, I would love to read it.

Less Mock Neck

Less Mock Neck